This is the story about the origins of the AUKUS nuclear submarine pact between Australia, the United Kingdom and the United States. Up until now this story has been a secret. We now know what happened because several of the people involved needed their soiled underpants washed after a day of bull shitting about what a great deal it is. They took their undies to a laundromat owned by Max and he put the undies into his favourite washing machine named Fran. Fran is an older model front loading machine which over several decades of washing has learnt to both talk to clothes and to understand what humans say.
Admiral David Johnston, who head of the Australian Defence Forces is a pompous man who brags that he is the first leader of Australia’s nuclear navy. Australian prime minister Scott Morrison, often known as Scotty, is very religious but not very intelligent. Cameron Stewart is an Australian journalist who is very enthusiastic about AUKUS submarines being built in Adelaide, a moderate sized city in the South Australia. Fran gets to wash the underpants of Johnston, Morrison and Stewart.
Alexander Downer is a former Australian Foreign Minister who comes from Adelaide. He is probably the smartest of of all these people, but his undies are not being washed because he has not soiled them.
As they are being washed the undies discuss the origins of the AUKUS idea.
Admiral Johnston’s undies tell Stewart’s undies that “It was here that AUKUS was born!” Stewart is surprised, asking “How? We are now inside an old washing machine!” Morrison’s underpants now explain what happened. “Scotty spoke to God and said he felt depressed and that he needed some radical new water-tight idea to help win the next election. God told him that he needed to clean his soul, so Scotty brought his clothes, including me, to be washed here — in Max’s laundromat! Scotty looked at Max in a depressed sort of way and said he needed to wash his soul. Max was confused, but nevertheless tried to cheer him up by saying that his clothes would be washed in Fran – his favourite washing machine.” Fran now explains what happened next. “Yes. I remember. I still don’t really know what a soul is. I just talk to clothes when I wash them. There was some need for a water-tight idea. I said that as a washing machine I knew a lot about water and keeping it tight inside.” Morrison’s underpants now take up the story, saying “that’s when I had the idea about submarines. They need to keep water tight outside. The radical idea that Scotty needed would be about submarines! I explained the issue to Fran and she said that she was made by Simpson in Adelaide 30 years ago. This company knew a lot about being water-tight. Maybe it could make submarines?”
Stewart’s undies now join the conversation saying “I’m starting to get the idea. We need to convert washing machines into submarines? But, no washing machine is big enough for this!”
Morrison’s undies ignore this stupid comment and say, “In any case, I told Scotty about Simpson in Adelaide – and he said he would talk to God.” Stewart’s undies now ask: “What did God say?” Morrison’s underpants now explain:
“Scotty was just about to get on his knees when Alexander Downer called, and asked if he was taking his medicine as prescribed. Scotty than told told Downer about Simpson in Adelaide. Downer was surprised. I heard him say very loudly”: “Adelaide? You are crazy! You are stupid! You are nutty!”
Fran now explains that she felt dejected, saying: “So, my idea was not good?”
Morrisons underpants now continue the story, saying that “Scotty was shocked! He just sat on his bed trying to put me on while mumbling to God.”
Stewart’s undies now ask: “So, how did we get to AUKUS?
Morrison’s underpants now get to the point saying: “Scotty is a marketing man, and he thought that God must be sending him a coded message via Downer; like a sort of prophet! We were in bed and in the middle of the night he suddenly sits up and exclaims: “I understand God! Downer is your messenger to me!”
“Adelaide is A, you crazy is UK, you silly is US – and nutty is nuclear! I understand everything now.” “Simpson can make nuclear submarines in Adelaide – and I will call it AUKUS.”